Pain Demands to be Felt
by CatLikesTea
Summary: Just because you're brave, it doesn't mean you're unbreakable. /-or-/ Sirius Black feels a lot of pain. /Written for the Houses Competition, Wolfstar, kind of.


**House: Ravenclaw**  
 **Category: Short**  
 **Prompt: [Speech] "Pain demands to be felt."**  
 **Word count: 1931**

Pain Demands to be Felt

 _It hurts to be human. We all need to suffer a little pain at some point. It's unavoidable. Just because you're brave, it doesn't mean you're unbreakable, doesn't mean you won't feel helplessness, feel pain. It doesn't make you weaker to hurt, remember that._

The first time he had felt true pain, Sirius had been six years old. In an act of utter thoughtlessness and stupidity, he had dropped a plate he'd been holding and it had smashed onto the hard floor of the dining room. His father had been livid and had yelled until he'd gone purple in the face. The terrified four-year-old had cowered behind the table, but that didn't protect him from the stream of red light that shot from his father's wand.

The pain that came with the red light was indescribable, and Sirius had screamed until his voice was raw, barely noticing when it was over, for the awful ache throughout his body remained.

When the pain finally lessened, Sirius flew upstairs and cried into his pillow for what seemed like hours, bargaining to anyone who was listening, begging to never be subjected to such pain again – he wouldn't mess up anymore, Sirius promised himself; he'd be good. The red light, soon came to be Sirius' worst fear, and for a while, even the colour red made him nervous.

.

His parents weren't coming onto the platform to wave him goodbye, Sirius realized after five minutes, feeling like an idiot after waiting patiently on platform nine and three quarters for them to come through. He hauled his luggage onto the train as best he could by himself, and stood in the corridor, suddenly feeling very alone and lost. He felt a surprising urge to cry.

Everyone seemed to have friends here, and parents helping them onto the train and waving them off. Sirius didn't know _anyone_ and he didn't suppose anyone would want to talk to him. As these thoughts were crossing his mind, a boy with messy, black hair rushed past, bumping into Sirius as he did and knocking him to the ground.

Before Sirius could say anything, the boy had jumped to his feet, picking up his luggage hastily and spouting apologies as he held his hand out to Sirius and tried to help him off the floor.

"I'm so, so, sorry - I didn't see you there, wasn't paying attention to where I was going, just excited to finally be going and-" the boy finally took a breath, panting heavily as he picked up the rest of his own luggage, then Sirius'.

"D'you want to sit with me?" the boy asked, his glasses crooked but his eyes sparkling. "My name's James Potter by the way," he said, already peering through into a compartment to see if it was empty.

James Potter was different to the friends he had at home. There was something about him that made him seem so… Carefree. He didn't talk about how important his parent's jobs were, or how he was next in line to inherit a small fortune (some topics his stiff-postured, haughty friends at home would discuss) but rather, his love for pranking, quidditch and, strangely enough, his parents, who sounded wonderful. James wanted to be in Gryffindor, which, when it wasn't spoken about by Sirius' parents, didn't seem all that bad. James had frowned a bit when Sirius told him his surname, but Sirius put that down to his imagination. After all, he had been told that his family name was very well respected indeed.

.

"Gryffindor!" Sirius removed the hat from his head shakily. He turned to the Gryffindor table, and shuddered as he stared at the red house flags. It was that colour again, first the cause of pain, and now ruining his chance at making his family proud. There had to be a mistake, he had told – no, he had _begged_ the hat to be in Slytherin. He wasn't as brave as he'd led James to believe.

Gryffindor would be amazing, but all he could think about was his family. His parents were going to _kill_ him.

"Are you alright?" Somehow Sirius had made it to the table and was sitting in between James and a sandy haired boy with amber eyes. "You look rather shaken."

The boy's face had a hint of worry, and it occurred to Sirius that he had been trying to get his attention for a few minutes.

"I – I'm fine." Sirius smiled weakly, still processing the previous happenings. "So, uh, what's your name?" He forced himself to focus on the boy, eager at the prospect of making new friends.

The boy still looked a little concerned, but allowed Sirius the change of subject. "Remus Lupin.

What's yours? I'm afraid I wasn't paying much attention to the sorting."

"I'm Sirius Black."

The look on the boy's face changed from concerned to slightly afraid. Luckily, that's when James decided to step in, and threw his arm round Sirius reassuringly.

"Sirius here isn't anything like his family," he stated proudly. "Look at him, he's in Gryffindor for a start – "

Sirius started shaking slightly again. That wasn't something he wanted to be reminded of.

"Oh, is that what you were worried about?" Remus asked. "Your parents shouldn't care what house you're in, Sirius. You can't help it that you're in Gryffindor."

Shouldn't his parents care? After all, his whole family had been in Slytherin and it would be only fitting that they would hate him for being put anywhere else. Maybe they'd even use the dreaded red spell, he thought, blanching. James didn't seem to notice his sudden quietness and began to tell Remus about his and Sirius' shared love for pranking, while Remus nodded along politely.

.

Sirius shouldn't have been surprised when, after the drive home spent in complete silence, his mother went into a spitting rage as soon as the front door shut behind them. He couldn't make sense of her anger – after all, James had told him that _his_ parents were sure to be pleased when they found out he was in Gryffindor.

"Well, Mother, perhaps I wanted to be in Gryffindor." The words were spoken quietly, but somehow his mother had heard him, and the next thing he knew was a sharp pain across his cheek.

"How _dare_ any son of mine dirty the family name with such ideas," she hissed, before storming off.

Sirius raised a hand to his cheek, tears threatening to fall from his eyes as he decided once and for all – he _hated_ his family.

.

Returning to Hogwarts for his fifth year was a happy affair, Sirius thought as he boarded the Hogwarts train and slumped into his usual compartment, relieved to finally be away from Grimmauld Place. He rubbed his ribs ruefully, feeling the bruises he knew were hidden there, hidden under the layers of his clothes and a few concealment charms he had cast. There was no consequence for his use of underage magic, one of the few benefits of living in an old house only ever owned by purebloods. The wards around it were too strong for the ministry to detect the use of illegal magic, and besides, his parents had payed them off ages ago in return for ignorance of any illicit goings on.

He brought out a pocket mirror to check the concealment charms hadn't worn off (the light bruising on his jaw wouldn't go unnoticed by his friends), and once satisfied, placed the mirror on the seat next to him and waited. After a few minutes James Potter ran in, dragging with him a rather disgruntled Remus Lupin.

"Hey, Sirius! Look who got made prefect," James yelled wildly. Remus groaned and pulled away from James to sit opposite Sirius, smiling despite himself.

Yes, returning to Hogwarts was a very happy affair indeed.

.

Sirius had messed up. Sirius had messed up big time, and the only person who could help him was James, who would surely hate him after Sirius told him what had happened. Snape was in danger and it was all his fault. He had pushed Sirius, asking him over and over where Remus went once a month, hinting that something bad would happen to Remus if he didn't say. That was when Sirius saw red, the red that promised pain, because _no-one_ threatened his Remus. The next part was all a blur; he had been so _angry_ and wanted Snape to pay. What he said hit him just after Snape left, and that led to Sirius running, running to James and begging for help in between apology after apology.

The disgust towards Sirius was clear on James' face, and he looked torn whether to run out to help Snape immediately or punch Sirius in the face. After a short hesitation, James legged it out of the common room, the expression on his face making it clear that Sirius would have him to answer to once he got back.

Thankfully, James had got Snape out the tunnel in time and Remus and his secret were safe, but after that, Sirius found himself friendless, and very much alone. After all, he had betrayed his friend. Maybe he was more like his family than he had led himself to believe.

.

It was his fault for not paying attention. He thought his former friends were going to Hogsmeade, and even waited ten minutes to make sure they wouldn't come back, before hauling himself out of bed tiredly to get dressed. His back had been facing the door so he hadn't seen Remus come in, the only indication he was in the room a slight gasp. It was then Sirius realized he hadn't cast a concealment charm over himself. He was suddenly aware of the various scars and welts across his back and it made him feel very, very vulnerable.

"Sirius – what happened to your back?"

Sirius turned around hastily and dropped his gaze. Whenever he had met Remus' eyes since The Prank, they had been full of contempt. He didn't want to see again how much he'd disappointed him.

"Parents," he said shortly. He didn't deserve to speak to Remus. Remus deserved so much better, he deserved friends who wouldn't betray him.

But Remus didn't reply and Sirius couldn't wait any longer so he forced himself to look up.

Remus looked shocked, and a little sad. "Sirius, why didn't you tell us?"

"Didn't want to burden you. You're not friends with me anymore so why should you have to worry?"

"And when we were friends? Sirius, I know this can't have been the first time it's happened."

Sirius' voice was just a whisper as he admitted, "I didn't want you to think I was weak."

He let out a noise of surprise as he felt himself engulfed in a hug. "Sirius, you are not weak. The fact you have endured pain doesn't make you weak, okay? Pain demands to be felt. It's what makes you human, Sirius."

Sirius enjoyed the warmth of the hug, before pulling away, a frown on his face.

"Remus, I betrayed you."

Remus sighed. "You made a mistake, Sirius, one I know you won't make again. You're already forgiven." Sirius nodded slowly, wondering how he could be so lucky to have a friend like Remus. "And Sirius? Forgive me for comparing you to your family? I was… Really angry that day."

"Of course," Sirius murmured. He was glad to finally be rid of the worst pain of all – the one where Remus wasn't part of his life.

"Remus?"

"Yes?

"Thank you."


End file.
